Yesterday morning I voluntarily woke up at 5 am. My gently annoying iPhone alarm label read: “Meditate, Bible, Read Brendan, Set Intentions.” I laid in bed and meditated myself back to sleep.
My brain knew I needed to get up in order to be ready in time for my one-hour 6:45 am drive to D.C. for my six year old’s spinal tap and chemotherapy but my body wanted to slip back into the land of the unconscious. Ultimately my brain won the battle. It knew that I had intentions to set and that only through consistently completing this daily exercise would I be able to propel myself and my business forward. I’m in the throes of rewiring the mind.
Motherhood Tug-Of-War
Our chemo morning proceeded swiftly, thankfully my son was first in line from a list of five for the procedure. I made follow-up clinic appointments, spoke with our social worker, filled a prescription for medicine, caught up on the lives of familiar hospital staff, slowly helped my baby recover from the anesthesia, and managed an autistic tantrum before heading back home.
Wrangling two kids through the invisible maze of the hospital is a lot but it’s my reality and our circumstances. In addition to managing this reality, it’s my responsibility to also ensure that I balance letting my kids be kids. Thus, the second half of the day involved coordinating evening karate practice for the oldest with my spouse and taking the youngest out for a Disney movie.
There’s a lot of noise in my life. (Travel serves not only as respite but a temporary escape).
I struggle constantly with completing entrepreneurial business goals in a timely fashion because I’m routinely managing fires. I immaturely fall in the trap of comparing my slow accomplishments to the achievements of others. I get annoyed with myself and refuse to truly acknowledge the challenges I face because in my mind I feel like I’m making excuses not to work harder. At my core, I want to perform more aggressively but my mind gets bogged down.
The reality, whether I or anyone else in my life wants to face it, is that I’m dealing with a lot.
Yet, my conscious thoughts, with the help of Brendan Buchard’s The Charged Life, remind me that I’m not the only one who’s dealing with a lot. That even through the storm I can still achieve and that this journey is bigger than me – I’m on the ride for a reason. There’s a bigger lesson here that I’m trying to learn. (Deep down I feel like I’m meant to help someone or some others out). I’ve slowly been devouring The Charged Life, savoring every morsel of a lesson in its chapters, infusing the ingredients of my life into its recipes. Its pages are layers upon layers of motivational goodness that feed me intellectually and spiritually. This book currently plays an instrumental role in helping me to rewire my life.
In addition to my 5 a.m. alarm to “Meditate, Bible, Read Brendan, Set Intentions” and my daily medicine alarms, I’ve scheduled three other alarms to ring throughout the day. At 8am, 2pm, and 8pm, my iPhone jingles: “Confident, Risk-Taking, Bold.”
I have been dealing with my own health issues while raising a special needs child who takes a lot of energy, so I understand in my own way. Hang in there and keep your chin UP, UP and away.
Hi Holly, thanks for stopping by. I’m sorry to hear about your health issues in the midst of dealing with your child. I think we all deal with the same issues just different variations. I almost wanted to use the word balance but as time goes on and it eludes me daily, I realiZe that it’s more of an ideal for the average working mom than it is a reality.
It really is a tug-of-war…taking care of your kid(s), taking care or yourself, your spouse, sometimes pets. Not to mention work! It seems to boil down to someone (and often everyone!) getting shorted on their needs. I want to succeed and I want to be good at all that I do and I can’t shut that desire off, even though I KNOW my potential is being hampered by the heavy emotional burden that comes with caregiving (and mothering!). I am a different person than I was before this cancer journey started, that is for sure. Sometimes I see my old self but I don’t think I’ll ever be that person fully again.
Yeah, they don’t explain none of this to you in high school sex education class or patenting books…that motherhood isn’t just teddy bears and Sears portrait photos, that with a throw of the die it could turn out to be physical/mental disabilities, cancer or God forbid, death. Optimism should not shield realism. Some mothers unfortunately, and because of circumstances, lose a part of themselves. It’s a fight for sure Crystal and I think that the only way that we can battle for our old selves is to go hard all 12 rounds.