Last Tuesday, I got devastating news that my four year old son has leukemia. Since that time, I have not been able to write. Besides taking an immediate break from travel, I’m taking a break from a lot of things. I haven’t been able to do much of anything except spend every second holding him, kissing him, comforting him, praying over him, and just loving him as hard as I can.
So many thoughts have run through my head these past 9 days, many of which I haven’t had the courage, motivation – whatever you want to call it – to write down. It’s been a long, overwhelming week in the hospital.
My son’s doctors and nurses have given me a crash course in leukemia and even though they’ve explained the disease to me – that there’s no way to “catch” it, there’s nothing my son did to get it, nothing we did for him to get it – I’ve questioned my actions as his mom, scanning my brain, trying to figure out where I might have gone wrong in his nutrition or my pregnancy. More existentially, I’ve wondered what I’ve done wrong in life to warrant my baby going through this ordeal.
I am thankful that I’m a Christian – without my faith I don’t know how I would be getting through all of this. One day I’m packing and planning business meetings, the next day, I’m sitting in conference with a team of doctors. We’ll be in the hospital for a couple of weeks at the least, adjusting to the meds and this new way of life. It’s crazy to think that our journey all started from a nose bleed that wouldn’t quit.
I’ve been told several times that this is our “new normal”. Okay. I’m still processing that. I’m learning as much as I can about my baby’s particular diagnosis, B-cell Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia or ALL for short. If you’re anything like I was, you don’t exactly know what leukemia is. Leukemia is cancer of the blood, a rare disease in children. I’ve learned quite a bit in these 9 days. I don’t have a choice. It’s our new reality.
I don’t know a lot, but what I do know is that all I have is today. Actually, it’s all that any of us have. All that matters to me right now is my son – getting him healthy, helping him fight this leukemia, keeping him happy. I haven’t spoken to that many people, though quite a few know what’s going on. I’m not the most open of souls when it comes to deeply personal trials and challenges. Especially when it comes to my kids. To those that I have spoken to, I’ve explained that although my youngest houses the cells, our whole family has leukemia.
This post is all over the place but that’s pretty consistent with my emotions and thoughts. I just wanted to pop in and let you know what’s going on since I’ve been pretty quiet on the site. I’m here. Today. Sometimes I’ll be present and sometimes I won’t. It all depends on my son’s health. He is number one. Even through all of this, it’s taken me a few days to realize that I need my own bit of therapy to keep my sanity. Writing is part of that therapy. So, I’ve made the decision to continue to write. Continue to blog…as long as I’m in the mood.
I’ll get back to traveling. My baby’s resilience is an example to me that quitting is not allowed.
Thank you for checking in. Thank you for continuing to read. Thank you for your well wishes and prayers. I’m thankful for all my Christian friends who have sustained me but I’m most thankful for that initial nose bleed.
I am so sorry to read this news. I’ll be praying for your son, for you, for your entire family. (((hugs)))
Praying for your son and your family.
rachel @ finding joy says
Oh my dear friend, I am so sorry. I will be praying for you and for your son and for complete healing. Dear, dear friend – I am grateful for the time we spent chatting at Blissdom and at the airport. Please know that now I will be storming the gates of heaven for your son. May our Father give you the strength, hope, and faith that you need to fight this battle.
With great love and hugs and know that I will be praying.
I am so sorry that this is happening to your son & your family. I am praying for you all.
ali @ an ordinary mom says
Oh, sweet sister, you know I’m praying for you all, and especially for you precious little guy!
Tonya @ The Traveling Praters says
My heart breaks to read this post and hear what your family and son are going through. I’ll join you in praying for your precious little one.
Lifting you up in prayer right now.
Sending you, your family and your son many positive thoughts.
I know EXACTLY how you are feeling right now. My 5 yo son was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia last September. 3 months of very aggressive chemo and a bone marrow transplant later, he is doing well. God will be with you on the incredibly hard journey. If you need someone to talk to email me (sharonmoyer at rocketmail dot com) and I’ll email you back my phone number.
Thank you Sharon. I appreciate you stopping by and lending encouragement and telling me a little about your own journey. I would definitely like to connect with you and have someone like you to talk to.
Jan Bonn says
After my daughter had a year of treatment for ACL leukemia, (stem cell transplant, weeks in and out of the hospital, etc.), my daughter, a friend who also had been treated for leukemia, and I were visiting a new patient on the floor. My friend asked if the newby was a Christian. Then he said, “since you are a Christian, you will be blessed.” My first reaction was “blessed, my ……” (fill in the blank) Yet, he went on with, not too many people get to feel God’s rod and staff in the middle of the valley of death. You will get that chance and it is a blessing. He is right. As he talked, I remembered God’s peace that infused the worry. I practiced continuous prayer, as Paul recommends in nearly every letter he wrote. Jesus was in my boat of fear on that lake called leukemia life.
I am sorry you have this new normal, but you will be blessed during the pain. Allow your Christian friends to pack you to Jesus with their prayers, their meals of food, their hugs. I too will pray.
Thank you Jan. I am definitely in counsel and prayer with God constantly. I ask people for nothing else but to pray for my son. Though I know meals are helpful, it seems to me that prayer is more powerful. At any rate, people’s love for my son and us has been the testament of God’s love. It overwhelmed me those first few days to the point where I just wanted to not even communicate with anyone because I couldn’t keep from crying, partly because of what was happening to my baby and partly because I was feeling God’s love wrapping itself around me. Again, I don’t know how I could get through this without that faith and trust in the Lord. Thank you for your words.
Tawanna, my heart hurt reading this post. I can’t imagine the feelings you must have. I will pray for your little man. For healing and that God be glorified in this in some way. And I will pray for you too, his sweet mama.
Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources says
Oh, my heart hurts for you, mama. I’ll be praying for healing, for hope, for comfort, for strength, for peace, and for blessings for your sweet little guy and your whole family. God bless.
Christine M of Hartlyn Kids says
I am sorry to read your news. I’ll be praying for your son’s health and your family’s strength.
George Barley says
That’s heartbreaking news… but be strong and always believe. He’ll be okay in God’s time. God bless you and your family.My prayers are with you.
Tears well up as I read your post. Childhood cancer is awful! Our family knows it well, but with the name Neuroblastoma. I’ll be praying for you and your family! May you feel God’s touch and be comforted greatly by His gentle, yet STRONG arms. Love, Michelle
Thank you for your sweet words Michelle. I’m learning so much that I never knew before. I wish none of our kids would have to deal with cancer but I pray that medicine will continue to improve to eradicate it once and for all.