Last Tuesday, I got devastating news that my four year old son has leukemia. Since that time, I have not been able to write. Besides taking an immediate break from travel, I’m taking a break from a lot of things. I haven’t been able to do much of anything except spend every second holding him, kissing him, comforting him, praying over him, and just loving him as hard as I can.
So many thoughts have run through my head these past 9 days, many of which I haven’t had the courage, motivation – whatever you want to call it – to write down. It’s been a long, overwhelming week in the hospital.
My son’s doctors and nurses have given me a crash course in leukemia and even though they’ve explained the disease to me – that there’s no way to “catch” it, there’s nothing my son did to get it, nothing we did for him to get it – I’ve questioned my actions as his mom, scanning my brain, trying to figure out where I might have gone wrong in his nutrition or my pregnancy. More existentially, I’ve wondered what I’ve done wrong in life to warrant my baby going through this ordeal.
I am thankful that I’m a Christian – without my faith I don’t know how I would be getting through all of this. One day I’m packing and planning business meetings, the next day, I’m sitting in conference with a team of doctors. We’ll be in the hospital for a couple of weeks at the least, adjusting to the meds and this new way of life. It’s crazy to think that our journey all started from a nose bleed that wouldn’t quit.
I’ve been told several times that this is our “new normal”. Okay. I’m still processing that. I’m learning as much as I can about my baby’s particular diagnosis, B-cell Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia or ALL for short. If you’re anything like I was, you don’t exactly know what leukemia is. Leukemia is cancer of the blood, a rare disease in children. I’ve learned quite a bit in these 9 days. I don’t have a choice. It’s our new reality.
I don’t know a lot, but what I do know is that all I have is today. Actually, it’s all that any of us have. All that matters to me right now is my son – getting him healthy, helping him fight this leukemia, keeping him happy. I haven’t spoken to that many people, though quite a few know what’s going on. I’m not the most open of souls when it comes to deeply personal trials and challenges. Especially when it comes to my kids. To those that I have spoken to, I’ve explained that although my youngest houses the cells, our whole family has leukemia.
This post is all over the place but that’s pretty consistent with my emotions and thoughts. I just wanted to pop in and let you know what’s going on since I’ve been pretty quiet on the site. I’m here. Today. Sometimes I’ll be present and sometimes I won’t. It all depends on my son’s health. He is number one. Even through all of this, it’s taken me a few days to realize that I need my own bit of therapy to keep my sanity. Writing is part of that therapy. So, I’ve made the decision to continue to write. Continue to blog…as long as I’m in the mood.
I’ll get back to traveling. My baby’s resilience is an example to me that quitting is not allowed.
Thank you for checking in. Thank you for continuing to read. Thank you for your well wishes and prayers. I’m thankful for all my Christian friends who have sustained me but I’m most thankful for that initial nose bleed.